staying connected through the teen years

http://www.thetranquilparent.com/detail/staying-connected-through-the-teen-years/

This is an ever-evolving and growing list!

This idea was born out of a "silly" facebook questionnaire - but so many people had such valuable wisdom to share, i wanted to get it all in one place as a resource for myself and anyone else!

Please send me additional items for the existing categories or suggestions for new categories and items and i will update it! some items are duplicated because they just seemed to fit in multiple places, and i am sure other items shoudl be in multiple places but i didn't catch it. If i missed any of the original submissions- send those along too!

Feel free to share this with anyone anywhere who might enjoy or find it valuable.

Self-Empathy, Affirmation, and Compassion

• Maybe there isn't anything I *should* be doing...
• Time goes by really fast.
• It's okay to be more authentic - it's OK that things are a bit messy and chaotic, and that I sometimes "lose it" with my kids. It's OK to cry in front of my kids.
  
• You aren't giving in, you are noticing how important something truly is to your child.
• It's how I feel about myself...
• There is never a useful role for criticism in loving relationships.
  
• Having fun is REALLY important in life.
• It's important to presume positive intent, children (and parents) are always doing the best they can.
• Kids are quick to forgive and understand when parents make mistakes or didn't know better, and they truly appreciate apologies
• I can cope with exhausting physical work, very little sleep, and complex issues that trigger my deepest emotional pain, and still be a good parent.
• As well-intentioned as I might be, yelling and screaming still happens on a bad day.
• Our kids could learn a lot by seeing Moms have compassion for one another.
• The hardest job in the world is also the most rewarding.
• I can relate to other mothers simply on the basis of our common motherhood despite differences in our religion or lack thereof, politics, parenting beliefs, age, ect, ect, ect..... I used to believe I could only relate to a "certain kind of woman". Now I see people with different beliefs as more than one dimensional.
• Things that I see as a really big personal flaw actually don't matter to my child and can actually benefit her. Like I used to stress alot about not being able to drive. But taking public transit has given ___ a way better sense of direction than I've ever had plus exposes her to a much larger variety of people, language, situations than she would have otherwise been exposed too.
• Judging other mothers will only backfire on you. So many things I have felt judgmental of in other mothers I have found myself doing as___ has gotten older.
• Being honest and forthright with your child is much harder than I ever imagined. I am guilty of lying to protect her innocence and probably will be again in the future.
• Things can be done very, very, slowly, and still get done. (not necessarily on time)
• If a parenting philosophy seems too dogmatic, it probably is. I do much better following my gut, taking what feels right from different sources and leaving the rest.
• It can be very hard to be a good example. ___ is the first one to let me know when I have made a mistake.
• It is OK to NOT know what to do sometimes and it is always OK to make mistakes...do overs are lifesavers!!
• We all just want to be loved for Who we are, right now. Love and accept your child for Who they are, as they are, not who you wish them to be.
• We are all too hard on ourselves. That is why there is no need to repeat to a child what they have done wrong or punish. They already know and already feel worse than we could ever impose in as much as they developmentally can understand.
  
• We all deserve to be treated equally with respect and trust. In many ways this is a DUH but wow...rarely do I find parents who don't believe or treat children as a step below adults in some way...
• Speak to children the way you would like to be spoken to. Or how you would speak to your best friend or most cherished one....This is how they will speak to themselves so we must be concious of this Voice and Intention behind the words.
• Believe in your child always and over anyone else on earth. Believe them, no matter what they say or how incredulous you feel.
  

Conflict / Relationship / Learning

• Just because your child doesn't want to do what you want them to do does not make them stubborn or headstrong or anything. Maybe they just don't like your idea. It was your idea after all and we all like our own ideas.
• There are so many limits put on us by ideas about gender and age that are cultural. It is OK for kids to do things that are not within those limits. I think of a small boy loving the color pink...
• It's not what we say it's what we do that matters - clarification - it matters what we say, but not if what we do contradicts what we say.
• Generosity, patience, empathy, and altruism are learned from experiencing/receiving those things, not from instruction. Instruction has the opposite effect.
• Each child comes to this world with their own temperament, psychology, spirit - whatever you want to call it. It is our job to celebrate, embrace, and guide them, rather than try to form or alter them. Whenever I catch myself thinking "they need to learn to..." i try to rewind and start over. If they need to, they will. In their own time.
• Children and relationships are resilient, and reparable, but the more broken the relationship, the more must be poured into it, for longer, to reclaim what's been lost. And it must be poured in almost exclusively by the adult/parent.
• There is never a useful role for criticism in loving relationships.
• It is always useful to presume of our children the best possible intentions and respond from that presumption to any given situation.
• Preserving dignity is a worthwhile goal toward preserving connection. There is never a need to point out when a child is wrong. They know already.
• Kids WANT things, it doesn't mean parents have to give children everything they want, but it's still OK for them to ask. Many times just listening to a child's desire (and the feelings about not getting all they desire) is all that's needed.
• Children want to please adults - they are naturally sweet and cooperative, and when they are not, there is usually an unmet need or hurt somewhere that needs to be addressed.
• Be more authentic - it's OK that things are a bit messy and chaotic, and that I sometimes "lose it" with my kids. It's OK to cry in front of my kids.
• When children act the least lovable is precisely when they need love the most.
• Kids are quick to forgive and understand when parents make mistakes or didn't know better, and they truly appreciate apologies.
• It's important to presume positive intent, children (and parents) are always doing the best they can.
• When you feel like you want to push something, it's a good idea to step back and ask yourself if it really matters and if it's going to further your parenting goals or bring you farther way.
• Grades, behavior, manners, messes, eating habits, TV habits...all of these will not affect the kind of people your kids grow up to be.
• Hugs, cuddles, kisses, kind words, declarations of love, questions about what they really want and think...all of these will affect the kind of people your kids grow up to be
• It is really, really, hard to separate my child's needs from my own. But really important.

Problem Solving

• Maybe there isn't anything I *should* be doing...
• Silence is frequently the best thing. You don't have to say something every time your child does or says something and frequently what they want, what anyone wants, is for someone to listen to them or be with them. It feels really quiet at first but I think we are addicted to commenting and you get used to it.
• allow allow allow
• You aren't giving in, you are noticing how important something truly is to your child.
• It's how I feel about myself...
• More often than not, it pays to just shut up and listen. really listen. Just like in any relationship. In fact - kids are just people and deserve the same consideration, respect and kindness anyone deserves.
• There is never a useful role for criticism in loving relationships.
• It is always useful to presume of our children the best possible intentions and respond from that presumption to any given situation.
• Preserving dignity is a worthwhile goal toward preserving connection. There is never a need to point out when a child is wrong. They know already.
• Kids WANT things, it doesn't mean parents have to give children everything they want, but it's still OK for them to ask. Many times just listening to a child's desire (and the feelings about not getting all they desire) is all that's needed.
• Children want to please adults - they are naturally sweet and cooperative, and when they are not, there is usually an unmet need or hurt somewhere that needs to be addressed.
• There are always solutions to problems, creative solutions that mostly meet everyone's needs...if a parent keeps the faith, and takes the time.
• When children act the least lovable is precisely when they need love the most.
  

It Is What it Is, We Are Who we Are

• Support your kids in what they want to do. Don't tell them all the awful things we think are true like artists can't earn a living and only a few people get to do what they want.
• Kids are their own people and we can support and love them and show them the way as best we can *and* they have their own loves, their own personalities, their own passions and it isn't a good idea to try and mold them. Let them be who they are and love them for that.
• What I want for my kids is for them to be happy and have a life they love. That is up to them. What I can do for them is love them.
• Each child comes to this world with their own temperament, psychology, spirit - whatever you want to call it. It is our job to celebrate, embrace, and guide them, rather than try to form or alter them. Whenever I catch myself thinking "they need to learn to..." i try to rewind and start over. If they need to, they will. In their own time.
• Grades, behavior, manners, messes, eating habits, TV habits...all of these will not affect the kind of people your kids grow up to be.
• Hugs, cuddles, kisses, kind words, declarations of love, questions about what they really want and think...all of these will affect the kind of people your kids grow up to be.
• Believe in your child always and over anyone else on earth. Believe them, no matter what they say or how incredulous you feel.
  
• We don't need to teach them anything...they are here ready to learn and just already ARE learning. Sometimes we get too busy "parenting" ie: teaching them something "they" say children need to learn that we forget to be there for the child and support what THE CHILD IS learning.
• It is OK for your kids to be sad, disappointed, angry, frustrated with your choices or limits or just life. These feelings need to be as acceptable as excitement, joy, happiness. It takes as long as it takes for them to process these feelings. They cannot stop crying if they are still hurt, just because you told them to. The best way for you to help them is to just BE with them while they feel these feelings. Let your child BE.

Connection

• Kids know when you are present and when you are thinking about something else.
• Children and relationships are resilient, and reparable, but the more broken the relationship, the more must be poured into it, for longer, to reclaim what's been lost. And it must be poured in almost exclusively by the adult/parent.
• Preserving dignity is a worthwhile goal toward preserving connection. There is never a need to point out when a child is wrong. They know already.
• When children act the least lovable is precisely when they need love the most.
• It is OK to be your child's friend. It is better to get them to listen to you because they respect and trust what you say, and not because you are an authority that they must obey.
• The best thing you can do when your child is being a huge pain in the ass is to say, "Come here and give me a hug. I love you." It might be what they really need

Trust

• Maybe there isn't anything I *should* be doing...
• Kids do things when they are ready to do them. We all do.
• Kids can be trusted to know themselves better than we know them - and if we trust them - really trust them - and tune in to what they are showing us they need- we can follow their lead with the things that really matter and tune OUT all the "shoulds" and "need tos" and what ifs".
• Freedom and connection beget trust and trustworthiness.
• Teenagers can be trusted.
• Believe in your child always and over anyone else on earth. Believe them, no matter what they say or how incredulous you feel.
  
• We don't need to teach them anything...they are here ready to learn and just already ARE learning. Sometimes we get too busy "parenting" ie: teaching them something "they" say children need to learn that we forget to be there for the child and support what THE CHILD IS learning.
• It is OK for your kids to be sad, disappointed, angry, frustrated with your choices or limits or just life. These feelings need to be as acceptable as excitement, joy, happiness. It takes as long as it takes for them to process these feelings. They cannot stop crying if they are still hurt, just because you told them to. The best way for you to help them is to just BE with them while they feel these feelings. Let your child BE.